i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
