I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Damn victory sex feels great
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
