My first STD was from a foam party
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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