If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My penis needs a shock collar
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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