I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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