don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
