Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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