2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
