Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
