I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
