it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
