____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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