dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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