i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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