was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
