Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
