Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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