not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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