ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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