woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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