im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
