I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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