too bad you live with your parents still
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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