I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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