Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
