News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
