I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
