He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Success! We fucked roommates!
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