3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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