I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
