cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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