I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
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