i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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