its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
