Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
