Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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