my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
