Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
