Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
