when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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