its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
