Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
