I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
