I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
