Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
