Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
