Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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