I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
