I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Randomize
