Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
