speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
