When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
